Tell her she can't have a vagina
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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