I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize