Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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