I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
