Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
