i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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