I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
