I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
