I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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