the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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