I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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