Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
