Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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