He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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