i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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