so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My penis needs a shock collar
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
