I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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