Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
