i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
