I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
