i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
