All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
