I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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