maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
