just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
