Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
