i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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