the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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