he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
