im drinking this country out of the recession.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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