I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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