Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
high people should be assigned attendants
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
did i walk over a car last night?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
