Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize