i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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