He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
