I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
