so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
