totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
