I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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