I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
