im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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