theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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