mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
