Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
