There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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