In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
