I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
