my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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