I think I won the penis lottery.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
