I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
