so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
this will be a night to untag.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
