oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
