Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
