pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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