I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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