he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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