Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
