Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
