ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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