note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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