Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize