yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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