I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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