I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
