So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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