i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
50% drunk capacity currently
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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